Episode 4: The Sociopath
I was busy scraping off twelve layers of wallpaper in a 2nd floor bedroom. As my mind numbed to the scent of Dif and the jarring of my scrapper as it struck a groove in the horse-hair plasterwork I became aware for the first time of my neighbor to the East of my property. Actually I became aware of the SWAT team that had staked out a tight perimeter in my flower garden with water cannons and Hummers. The rhythmic whip of Apache helicopters eliminated any chance of surprise the SWAT team had hoped to achieve. There he was…a little goblin of teenage fury with a Mohawk hairdo and nose ring frantically beating the outside of his 2nd floor room with an aluminum baseball bat. “Bite me!” was all that he said before disappearing back into his cave. Over the din of SWAT megaphones you could hear the shrill scream of an industrial drill and see the smoke and massive woodchips flying out from this little Gollum’s alcove. SWAT had seen enough. Like a scene out of an old Godzilla movie they launched a barrage of devastating missiles into the little troll’s abode and in microseconds had the beast tethered and subdued in one of their Hummers. I found out later the little ogre had carved REDRUM in huge letter on his bedroom wall and had time to paint the inscription in bloody red paint before succumbing to the SWAT team tear gas.
This routine took place every Tuesday and Thursday with SWAT occasionally taking a night off for GLOW bowling nights when the Army reservists agreed to cover for them. The rest of the week, little Grendel...his real name was Edmund James, stole cigarettes from the local party store or shot out my stained glass and garage windows with his simulation M-16 pellet rifle. Not that I had any rest on other days.
Monday and Saturday was Tim’s night to misbehave. Tim was one of Edmund James’ potential fathers. Tim owns a 1971 supercharged Nova. This machine blended primer gray and lime green to a level of artistic brilliance not seen in any other backwater village. On Tim’s nights the scream of the Nova’s supercharged engine was drown out by his Duke Boys imitation howl as he arrived. Apparently Tim has issues. “You Bitch!!!” he yelled as he made donuts in Edmund James’ yard. He launched a 40 oz Coors Lite can about ten feet as the local constable showed up. Generally he got into the Sheriff’s car without incident. One night Tim was feeling particularly festive. When the signature howl and scream of the engine approached that night I noticed immediately something was different. Tim had cut a hole through the hood scoop and flames were shooting out of the handcrafted engine pipes. Austin 3:16 was painted in black spray paint on the roof of the car. A set of tractor tires had been rigged to a special frame under the car that can only be described as an ingenious blend of home engineering and chutzpah. The words to the Johnny Cash song came to mind: I got it one piece at a time, and it didn’t cost me a dime…SUDDENLY Tim launches about twenty M80 firecrackers he’s tied together. Actually, he launched his 40 oz Coors Lite can. The M80’s fell in his lap when he dropped his cigarette onto his chest. The explosion sent a Nova/Tractor tire onto my front porch. Tim launched himself out the window of the Nova seconds before the explosion…apparently he had just filled up his 5 gallon gas can for his lawn mower and that is where the cigarette landed after it rolled off his chest. The Constable showed up just in time to cuff Tim and the meatball shaped volunteer fire man was so amazed by the spectacle he didn’t even take the time to utter profanities at me or spit on my flowers.
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Episode 3: The Garden Episode 2: THE Pastor I live in a village. It is not a village like the Shire with happy little people running around drinking a pint of stout and shooting off massive fireworks. Well, maybe it is. Only the little people might be cannibals, the pint is probably more like a keg and what they are shooting off could be anything from their mouth to fireworks to a 24 lb bronze cannon. This is a must see fan film based on the Lord of the Rings. |
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